Letting Go

Tonight was the first night that I did not nurse Nolan before bed (except the nights when I was not home at bedtime of course, which was only a handful of times). Over the last few months (starting about the time Nolan turned 6 months) I began to notice a change in my milk supply. I hadn't changed the number of times I was pumping or feeding Nolan and I became frustrated and began to stress about my inability to provide the amount of milk that Nolan needed for each day. Nolan had been getting some formula but for the most part I had been keeping up with what he needed. As time went on my supply continued to get lower, so after trying several different things and talking with some lactation consultants I made the very difficult decision to start weaning Nolan from breastfeeding. I really struggled with this decision and was surprised at how difficult this decision was for me emotionally. I struggled with feeling that my body was failing me and not doing what I thought it should be doing, and that I was failing Nolan. As much as I was ready to stop pumping I didn't want to let go of that special time with Nolan first thing in the morning and last thing before he went to bed. However, I finally decided that instead of becoming more frustrated about not breastfeeding for as long as I had wanted to and becoming stressed about my lack of supply, I would take pride in the fact that I had breastfed for 7 months. I recognize that breastfeeding is not the only way for me to be close with Nolan and I now get to create new special times for the two of us to share. I'm sure that this is only one of the many transitions and times of letting go that I will experience being a mom, but I believe that with each of these times there will also be new things to look forward to and things to experience.